Fine Distinctions - Fours (Tom Condon)

This is my base Enneatype. Info is cribbed from here.

Self-Preservation Fours
• Self-Preservation Fours are often risk takers
• They take chances to stir up emotional intensity, collect new experiences, play out inner dramas or learn about themselves
• Open advocates of the passionate life
• Social and artistic courage; the high side of this subtype brings daring

• Healthy Fours with this subtype often feel driven to express an inner vision and find the courage and skill to bring it into the world
• Often exceedingly practical in ways that support their creative enterprises
• For some their home is an aesthetically soothing refuge, for others home is dank and depressing, prompting fantasies of beautiful places, a stimulant to envy
• May have possessions they keep for a long time that are charged with symbolism and meaning
• Environmentally sensitive react strongly to their surroundings; fussy and hard to please about new purchases

• When less healthy, they take self-destructive risks or punish other by hurting themselves
• Some can be reckless and openly court disaster while others merely flirt with loss
• Sometimes the connection to One is extra strong. Fours with this subtype can harangue themselves in a Oneish way and then rebel with reckless behavior
• Some resist the need to make a living; may hobble themselves with mystery ailments that prevent them from having a “straight job”
• Self-Preservation Fours can be mistaken for counterphobic Sixes
• Some Fours with this subtype struggle with their weight and body image as they relate to identity. Anorexia, overeating or obsessions about food are possible

Intimate Fours
• Intimate Fours love others in a deep way, and possess a sensitive, complex, poetic intelligence about matters of the heart
• This is a highly romantic subtype, visible in the realms of romantic poetry, the troubadour tradition and popular music about love, especially in the lyrics of confessional singers
• Often stay friends with ex-lovers
• A focus on aesthetics; some Intimate Fours are tasteful, flashy dressers
• Can harbor a fantasy of perfect union, a redemptive love that will heal the wound of being an unwanted outsider
• Prone to jealousy and may be competitive in close relationships as well as generally; can feel like there is only so much love to go around
• Want to be Number One in their beloved’s heart or the only person their partner has ever loved; could be jealous of their partner’s past relationships

• A stronger connection to Two
• May be surprised to discover that their beloved has different needs; they assume mutuality of purpose and are unprepared to negotiate
• Also prone to professional envy and try to best others at work
• May be unable to enjoy their successes without demeaning the achievements of others

• Intimate Fours can resemble Eights just as romantic Intimate Eights can resemble Fours
• Can believe that without someone to love they are nothing and life is not worth living
• When in love, images of their partner fill the Four’s awareness and attention. The beloved is a muse, necessary to connect Fours to their own life force
• May take no responsibility for their life until Mr. or Ms. Right comes along
• There can be a willful immaturity to this stance, a stubborn refusal to face facts no matter what the practical costs
• Can be love addicts who lack the memory of being loved and believe they are condemned to search the world for something or someone to fill them up
• Some Intimate Fours act markedly seductive to stave off being rejected
• May engineer rejection by picking unavailable or inappropriate people to become infatuated with
• A few have ambiguous, confused or exaggerated sexual identities or a chronic identity crisis around their sexuality

Social Fours
• Healthy Social Fours are unusually independent, self-affirming and socially courageous
• Willing to take unpopular stands, initiate innovative projects or create institutions that have humanistic or artistic purposes
• They make good teachers especially of art, poetry, spirituality, realms of the heart and the inner life
• Can be idealistic, drawn to social causes, with a keen sense of justice. The connection to One is especially strong with this subtype

• May play the role of the critical outsider, dissatisfied with the norm
• Prone to shame because they compare themselves with the “normal” world around them, for deviating from imagined group norms
• Highly self-critical although their critical voice often belongs to someone else
• To refute the voice’s criticisms, a Social Four may romanticize her defects or snobbishly counter-criticize the group
• May seek status or feel driven to achieve to get revenge against those who once laughed at them
• Cover their shame with charm

• Social Fours with a Five wing can grow antisocial and depressed, bearing their shame in solitude, in tension to a group that they keep at a distance

Four with a Three Wing
• Fours with a Three wing can seem like Sevens. Can be cheerful, outgoing, with a sense of humor and style
• May be “counter depressive,” in that they stay busy and on-task to avoid getting bogged down in melancholy
• Healthy Fours with this wing marry art and commerce; they are both creative and effective, intuitive and ambitious
• Generally more visual and kinesthetic and have a faster tempo of thought, speech and reaction
• Often materialistic, can have elegant or expensive taste; could prize the rare
• Might dress flashy – albeit in a color coordinated way – in contrast to Fours with a Five wing, who try to be socially invisible
• Can be conscious of wearing a mask to hide their “true” deformed identity
• Some are Three “wannabes”; they imitate Threes to pass in the “normal” world as high-functioning and well-adjusted citizens; underneath they feel like ETs
• Can be exceptionally competitive, sometimes more so than Threes
• Their pleasure in their own achievements may be tainted by jealousy or motivated by revenge
• When recognized for what they accomplish, they may feel celebrated for the wrong reasons or dismiss the recognition as not enough

• Fours with this wing can tend towards melodrama and flamboyance
• Get lost in fraudulence, play the role of the artist or the authentic, unique one
• Generally more conventional and less original than Fours with a Five wing
• May have bad taste but not know it

Four with a Five Wing
• Fours with a Five wing are generally more introverted
• When healthy they have a rich, complex creativity
• Although somewhat intellectual, they have exceptional depth of feeling and insight
• May be multi-talented in ways that they take for granted
• Fours with this wing are often more original and idiosyncratic, unique to the point of eccentric
• Use thinking to suppress or dissociate from their feelings
• Often they are more auditory and kinesthetic and less consciously visual
• They have a spiritual and aesthetic openness and may also have a marked need to pour themselves into creative or artistic pursuits
• Try to use the strength of their minds to manage their emotional intensity
• Some are loners who can seem enigmatic or hard to read
• Externally reserved and internally resonant; when absorbed in a mood they can sit still and expressionless for long periods of time (hypnotic catalepsy)
• An “open or closed” quality; after suddenly breaking hours of silence, the Four won’t stop talking

• Fours with this wing will sometimes polarize against their own Three wing, making Threeness a shadow that they indict in others
• Could see the world as dominated by trashy, materialistic values and pointless hyperactivity – things the Four secretly envies
• Some are nondescript and try to be invisible. Consciously decide to venture into the world
• Some are sedentary and, if not overweight, have no muscle tone
• Especially prone to feeling alienated and depressed; could isolate themselves
• More likely to argue for their limitations or prove they can’t function in the normal world
• Might ignore practical matters or unpleasant but necessary chores, citing the strength of their feelings as an excuse
• Can be whiny or have an air of sullen, withdrawn disappointment
• Prone to sulking and stubborn, passive-aggressive sadness; unusually humorless
• Can inhabit a private world of pain and loss or be morbidly in love with death
• Might have a well-developed eye for the grotesque and the gothic

Four’s Connection to One
• A healthy connection to One helps Fours locate and connect to the objective, factual world, independent of their inner feelings
• Helps Fours balance the intensity of their feelings. They think more rationally and keep things in perspective
• The connection to One brings discipline and diminishes a Four’s self- indulgence

• Brings problem-solving skills and an unexpected practical streak: Fours can be talented at managing money and handling realistic details
• Oneish Fours tend to be idealistic and work hard for what they believe in; morally courageous expressions of principle
• Contributors rather than complainers, committed to living in and improving an imperfect world
• When Fours are less healthy the connection to One devolves into being critical, fault finding and nit-picky
• After the perfect union of falling in love the Four can turn critical and disapproving, focusing only on what is missing in his partner’s behavior
• May have idealized, romantic dreams for which there are no partners or expect so much of partners that they drive them away
• Self-critical; may criticize themselves in a Oneish voice that speaks only of their Four’s flaws, reinforcing their sense of alienated difference
• Oneish Fours can block themselves creatively or set themselves up to fail because nothing they produce is up to their own impossibly high standards
• May criticize and tear down others, mainly out of jealousy
• Sometimes latch onto a grandiose, obsessive Big Idea or believe they are attuned to Absolute Truth
• Idealistic and artistic pretentiousness are possible; could feel they inhabit a lofty plane where their endeavors and aspirations can not be understood by mortals – The Great Artist Blues
• Black and white thinking with a moral cast
• Self-punitive and pleasure hating, fanaticism and religiosity are possible

Four’s Connection to Two
• Fours have a built-in connection to Two. When healthy it brings interpersonal skills and the ability to voluntarily empathize with others
• Like Twos, Fours can float over and switch places with others and intuitively sense how they feel. The Four will then filter and interpret other people’s feelings through the Four’s own subjectivity
• Twoish Fours can be supportive, generous “foul weather” friends who understand and accept the pain of others
• May volunteer their services to ease suffering
• Act upon ideals, want to make the world a better place
• The connection to Two brings the ability to teach or mentor, especially about subjective matters. Can accurately read the nonverbal behavior of others
• When this connection is less healthy, a Four may compulsively merge with others, especially their pain, as it unconsciously reminds the Four of their own
• May flatter, charm and placate, hoping to mask their sense of defect
• Twoish Fours are prone to moody instability; by turns needy and then aggressive

• Can put great demands on their relationships and be easily disappointed
• Twoish Fours may flee themselves through codependent service to others
• The Four sense of specialness is intensified by Twoish pride
• Loud arguments and histrionic dramas are possible
• Psychosomatic illness and age regression (becoming younger than your years) are stronger tendencies

Fine Distinctions - Fives (Tom Condon)

Info cribbed from here. This is my wing (many people have this wing).

Self Preservation Fives

• Often exceptionally knowledgeable, possibly about obscure subjects
• Use their knowledge to contribute to the world
• Sensitive to being saturated, feel overwhelmed by people’s expectations • Lose their sense of privacy more easily and can quickly feel overstimulated
• Chief defensive tendency is to physically or emotionally withdraw.

• May be more explicitly alienated than the other subtypes
• Can close themselves off, burrow into their hobbies and interests; become expert at subjects so specialized or obscure that others leave them alone
• Try to take little from people; fear what the interaction will cost them
• Have a thin ectomorphic body type although they may gain weight due to a sedentary lifestyle
• Especially cost conscious around money, penny-wise and pound foolish • Think of millionaire paupers who die in hovels but have mattresses stuffed with money

Intimate Fives

• Trust only a few selected people but then do so totally.
• Friendship is based on the sharing of confidences. Intimacy is equivalent to exchanging secrets.
• A Five’s bond with a close friend or partner is experienced as away from the outside world, in a bubble, with an all or nothing quality.
• Can go from enigmatic, deliberate distance to intense, unguarded openness
• Intuitive, sensitive and non-judgmental of friends
• A streak of voyeurism; think of internet sex
• Can obsessively love from afar and then go cold when their love is physically present
• Compartmentalize their relationships; might have friends who never meet each other
• Could especially fear having their separate friends meet
• Savor fantasies of being invisible, being close to others and yet unseen
• Could be a bigamist if they had the energy
• Sneaky and devious; can betray others by keeping secrets, telling white lies

Social Fives

• A contradiction in terms. can be gregarious, generous friends
• Self declarative and socially courageous; more likely extraverted
• Could be dedicated to promoting a social or group cause, willing to take principled political and social stands even if it means being uncomfortably exposed

• Connect with groups of like-minded people sharing knowledge and affiliations
• Prefer specialized or esoteric realms of knowledge that exclude the uninitiated

• Can be snobs; value knowing the “right” people, belonging to the best clubs or concerned with titles, degrees, credentials
• Good listeners and behind-the-scenes facilitators who avoid the limelight • Can have an odd combination of presence and distance, like they are fully involved and yet holding something back,
• Indiscreet; may share information with their chosen group and be quite gossipy.
• Can be more Sevenish as in flighty, glib and insincere
• May suffer from Social Affective Disorder, which is essentially stage fright
• A talent for predictions

Five with a Four Wing

• Brings Fives an abstract, intuitive cast of thought
• Like Fours they may be artistically talented and moody
• Combine intellectual imagination with emotional intelligence
• Marriage of mental perspective with aesthetics
• Generally more kinesthetic (conscious of feelings)
• Use their logical mind to temper their visions, daydreams
• Use their logical mind to subdue their feelings
• Can have a sense of being alien although it is not pivotal to their identity and something they may enjoy; may be nostalgic like Fours
• May be eccentric and have an abstracted “absentminded professor” quality
• Some seem distracted, preoccupied and disorganized
• Can fluctuate between impersonal withdrawal and bursts of friendly caring
• Some have an air of implicit superiority
• Can be whiners, especially complaining about how much a job or a relationship or other responsibilities that drain them; could bemoan the difficulty of going beyond their limits
• Some have quiet voices and the non-verbal affect of ghosts

• Environmentally sensitive; may feel defenseless against the world’s imput
• Recover slowly from traumatic events
• Can tend to depression where they the world as a gray void

Five with a Six Wing

• The difference between the Four wing and the Six wing in Fives is like the difference between art and science
• Fives with a Six wing are generally more intellectual and analytical
• Good with detail and technical knowledge; tend to think in logical sequences, in a linear way that is information-based; prone to “information addiction”

• More likely to think in words and images and are generally less kinesthetic
• Their tempo of speech and may be faster
• Can be loyal friends, offering strong background support

• Can be kind, patient teachers as well as skillful experts
• Many have a sense of mission and work hard
• Can see both the big picture and its small details and shuttle back and forth between the two
• Can project an aura of sensitive nerdiness
• May have clumsy social skills; socially nervous if not playing the role of someone knowledgeable
• Prone to feeling guilty; readily give other people their power
• More likely to have an authoritarian parent and fear criticism or hostile attack
• May have a push/pull or even hostile relationship to authority
• Can be cold, skeptical, ironic, and disassociated

Five’s Connection to Eight

• Brings Fives access to their raw instinctual energy
• Become more physically kinesthetic; out of their heads and into their bodies
• Enhances sexuality and physicality; a lusty, pushy quality
• Moral and social courage; they take risks, become initiators instead of observers
• The connection to Eight helps Fives translate book-knowledge into action

• Take charge of situations that would otherwise overwhelm them. • State their needs, initiate contact with others and get things done • May have leadership qualities and be passionate in a way that is antithetical to the Five defensive dissociated stance

• Can be explicitly antisocial and more angry than they ordinarily seem • Could have a snappish, standoffish quality or even a nasty edge
• Can get punitive and severe with others; out of touch with their own anger so that it comes out in dissociated ways or as a mean streak

• May fear their own Eight-like anger, project their own Eightness onto others or be in tension to angry, aggressive people
• Turn their anger against themselves, by being self-critical and self- bullying

• Could exercise a cold, calculated behind-the-scenes control

Five’s Connection to Seven

• Brings Fives enhanced imagination
• seek adventure, whether intellectual, physical or social. The connection brings curiosity that gives them the nerve to explore the world.
• Often less self-conscious; they can be funny, engaging and enthusiastic • Life long learners; stay interested in life and mentally alive into old age
• This connection brings a streak of generosity as well as optimism
• Sense of humor about themselves
• Big picture thinkers; the eclecticism of the Seven combines with the Five’s ability to organize information
• Systems thinkers and model builders
• Reinforces a Five’s tendency to become abstract, schizoid and compartmentalized.
• Can become addicted to information, lose themselves in activity and defensively scatter their attention into a range of empty interests.
• May play mental games for diversion, using humor to disassociate or trivialize.
• Could be flighty, elusively jumping around in their thoughts or even physically fidgety
• Might take actions in a fitful sporadic way and for strange reasons
• Can rationalize and reframe their behavior to duck consequences
• May be socially undependable and noncommittal; can tell lies and rationalize the practice

The Dance Floor / 3

3

"Michael..? I don't feel so good.."

Michelle (she's one of the dancers) is being led out into the halls by her hubby to take a breather from the highly charged gym. She had been cheering on the spectacle of Alex and Azad duking it out with the soyboys. But she could not ignore the whirling, growing inside her mind, and like a moth regretfully tearing itself away from the flame, she sought out Michael (her hubby), and in the desolate solitude the hallways provide, you could hear her panicked wheezing.

"Michelle, it's not just you," her hubby goes. "I'm feelin' it too, just keep your eyes on me, breathe deeply – it's LSD!"

"El.. Ess.. Dee?" She concentrates on each of the individual letters as if they were edges to hold onto in the waters overtaking her.

"Yeah, LSD!" Michael almost seems enthusiastic. "I tried it once before, such a mind-blowin' experience! Like your self is lifting away from your mind. Awesome if you're in the right mood and setting. In a place like this though.. someone.. someone's fuckin' spiked the sangria!"

"But why would they do that?" Michelle goes.

She is following Michael, stumbling through the candlelit halls. The flames flickering seem to take a new, demented life, in tune with the thumping bass of the DJ's music. "We need- gotta have to find a room for ourselves," Michael says.

And there's a red door, which leads into a kindergarten classroom. They enter, and when Michael isn't able to lock the door behind, he hastily finds small shelves, nearby desks, whatever to barricade entry into the room. It's arduous because there's two entrances to cover, but the best thing is it has a washroom (strictly for kids) as well as a fire exit leading out into the fields.

"Focus Michelle," he goes, and you could see how his eyes are growing bloodshot, his pupils starting to dilate from the effects of the sangria. "Help me with this second door.."

But for her, the world is starting to spin, as if she's getting attuned to the very ground beneath her, rotating – and she reaches for a chair, but the sight of the stitched teddy bear pops out to her vision, its eyes piercing to her very being, and suddenly, she is no longer a woman, but a scared girl all over again, and she is trembling on the hard carpet floor, eliciting moans from what she feels is that fear in the air. It's all over her, like water enveloping a fish.

Michael knows that the LSD will soon overtake his awareness too, so the last thing he does is kneel down and hold Michelle in his arms, whispering her name, and just letting her know she is not alone, as the unfamiliar fairytale murals on the wall intertwine, and the music thumps, on and on into the night.

/

Azad's dances grow clumsy. His own thoughts seem to loop back inwards in a tangled mess, and where he looks, everyone else seems to wander off, disoriented. What the fuck, this should be fun! The best part of the night!

He sees Alex, standing still, in a daze.

"Hallo? Alex? Earth to Alex, wake up!" Azad has the urge to keep Alex dancing to the music, so he grabs him by the arm (like some life-sized marionette), and Alex yelps -

"Wha? Azad-?"

Azad seems intent on having Alex dance, he pushes up Alex's arms, left and right, and Azad is giggling – this is too cute!

"Azzaa, stop! Calmate, calmate!"

Azad lets go. Alex is visibly panting, sweat glimmering on his forehead. "I don't feel so good meng.. something's not right." He glances at Matthew and friends who grow incredibly rowdy, and over Azad's shoulder, he sees Amarna getting a bit out of it herself – she is feeling her own cheek, finding it flushed.

"What's not right?" Azad says. "Weeehehe." Then Azad almost slips on the flooring; he grabs onto Alex for support, only for the both of them to fall anyways – onto each other. If you didn't know any better, it looks like they were resolving some sexual tension, but Azad and Alex quickly wiggle out from each other.

There's laughter from some of the girls, as they point and one of them says out loud, "Now kiss!"

Amarna notices the scene; she joins in on the chanting – "Kiss! Kisss! Do it! Do it!"

"No fuckin' way," Azad goes, repulsed by the very thought.

"Pretend if it were me," Amarna apparently whispers under her breath. "What would you do, Azad?"

Then Azad looks at Alex, and for some reason the suggestion wiggles its way in his brain, and he sees Amarna's very sweet, fey face overlaid Alex's, and an urge overtakes Azad. Oh what a hell.

"Azad? What do you think you're doing?" Alex gets apprehensive of that new look from Azad's face, of eros, directed at him.

"Kissing you," Azad goes, and then he reaches out for Alex who's prone on the floor, and leans in, and with his hands reaches for his face and kisses him.

It's said that there's not much of a fundamental difference between the soul of a man, and that of a woman, besides the genitals you happened to be born with, and the dominant hormones pumping through your bloodstream. Men tend to be hunter-gatherers, while women the protective nurturers, but everyone in the end desires one thing – to feel fulfilled.

Azad's lips feel very chapped. The first kiss is so wet and strange and unfamiliar. After having shut his eyes, Alex opens them again to still see Azad, lips locked and eyes closed, feeling his beard and how fuzzy his cheeks are. It isn't just a random-ass dream.

Around them, the girls go apeshit, exploding in cheers.

Amarna is particularly touched by how really passionate Azad is in the kissing, even feeling arousal from it. Sometimes people you don't really notice until you give them the right moment to shine.

"Get away from me!" Alex screams, pushing the entranced Azad away and backing off.

"Hey Amarna, wait-" Azad goes.

It hits Amarna that Azad was thinking of her during that kiss. It makes no sense at all, but this strange feeling in her is letting her imagine the wildest fantasies, and touched, she wants to be the recipiant of that kiss Azad just gave.

But Azad, having woken up from his trance, realises what he's actually done. Oh no, fuck! What did I just do? I.. kissed my friend, Alex. Now he's running away from me like a pansy! And who could blame him? Am I actually gay? No, it's the sangria..

(what would you do Azad)

Why did I see Amarna in Alex?

(if it were me in front of you)

The very first day Azad joined the dance troupe..

It was simply a Protestant church by the supermarket. His mother said he needed to get out more with other people instead of lingering in his room all the time, playing League and hoarding Pepe memes on that dingy laptop. So Azad took her on that offer, and he saw there was a dance troupe looking for new members.

He saw how hot some of the girls were in the troupe's photos, and when he went, it was around 4pm in the late afternoon.

He was an hour early. There was nobody in the church; nobody except for the old lady who tended the corner desk and greeted him as he entered the opulant chambers. Nobody. He reached for his phone and tried to go on 8chan, except the church's Wi-Fi was password protected, and he'd overused his allotted data plan for the month.

Azad looked for a nice place to rest his ass, and he was able to enter the large church hall, full of benches, pastels, and chandeliers, where the pastor would make his sermons every Sunday morning. It's empty, and this gave Azad the temptation to just wander about, and do what he'd normally never do in an atmosphere of spirited soberity.

He waltzed down the aisles, and he went to the front. He pretended to grab a mic, reciting the latest memes to an imaginary audience ("Mein Fuhrer! We're going on a trip right down to Auschwitz! Burning to the skies, little Einsteins..!")

After getting bored of that, he went to the confession booth to the side. There, he entered through the velvet curtain, and he pretended to be the priest who took confessions from the poor, closeted pedophiles, incestuous family members and the ghost of Adolf Hitler.

"Hello?" he heard. It wasn't Hitler. But a woman's voice, echoing from the distance.

He peeked through the curtain. He saw her auburn, wavy hair (this was before Amarna dyed it whatever colours) and her navy outfit.

"Is anyone here?" she went, her Castellian accent showing. "For a dance troupe?"

She was also early by an hour. Azad thought of playing a trick on her – he wanted to pretend to be the priest who was awaiting her her whole life. But as she approached, he decided against it. It was his opportunity to be nice with another girl.. after what happened with Melina.

He popped out of the confession booth, grinning.

"Hallo, are you here for dancing?" he said.

"Yes – but nobody else is here yet!"

They had a while to spare. On one of the benches, Azad sat with the girl. He thought that she was a natural dancer, because of the graceful way she naturally moved (like a cat), but when it came to her backstory, she only blushed.

"Oh, that's fine, you don't have to say," he went, then admitted to her that he wanted to be with the pretty girls of the dance troupe – besides, it's a chance to do something new.

When she heard this, she couldn't help but laugh and guffaw, and then she laid a hand on his shoulder in gentle reassurance..

He saw how beautiful her blue eyes were as the evening sun shone through the stained glass windows. Moreso, he began to feel she was one of those unique souls (he couldn't put words to it), that he was so lucky to bump into.

"You think.." she went, "my accent is too strong? I'm trying to improve my English, you see, and to be honest, sometimes I'm too embarassed about the way I pronounce things."

The way she said it to him, she was opening up her vulnerable side – something Amarna would show in bits and tidbits to the other men in her life, and to her online audience, but never to this extent with another person. Until now.

"You.. are wonderful," Azad said. "Um, your pronounciation's wonderful. It's good."

He could not believe he'd blurted out his feelings like that. He didn't consider himself that touchy-feeling kind of person – the most was poking fun at hentai women with Kevin, and all those scenes he'd see in movies where the guy just loses it for the sake of a girl makes him cringe hard.

But already, he was feeling enlivened; he had made Amarna blush.

"Thank you," she said. She looked around the sermon hall. "Do you believe in God? Well, I don't. My maman would take me to church everry Sunday when I was young. But I never believed.. that there was this all-seeing, all-knowing Father who looked after everyone, who knew what they were thinking."

"Oh, who really does?" Azad went. "They're just made-up stories to keep people happy."

"But look at how people would make beautiful sculptures, tapestries.. whole buildings, churches in His name. Even though He is an imaginary figure, they cared so much and it made them happy and fulfilled. But I think life itself is the great beauty onto which the believers project God."

"It's just what people do to keep going in life, I suppose," Azad went. "Or else they have nothing to believe in, and shit gets crazy, yo." He didn't have any strong thoughts on that topic, but he was getting hungry.

He invited Amarna to come with him for a snack, and so they went back into the foyer and looked for any vending machine. There were couches, the golden rays of sunlight streaming through the windows, coat hangers and a small prayer room, but nothing resembling a source of food.

So Azad had the bright idea of going out – the church was beside a chain of food outlets and a supermarket after all, and they went to a Dairy Queen. A couple of teens who were quite loud and rowdy, talking about what they've captured in Pokemon Go, but the whole restaurant was very cozy, with the red and white tablecloths.

A table by the window, with the shades half-drawn, such that lines of sunlight shone over Amarna's cheeks and nose. They talked, joked around while waiting for an order of triple-decker fudge cake for Azad.

Of that time, Azad felt only happiness. He loved how light-hearted she was, and how he was just able to be comfortable sitting with a girl, like they were together – even though they'd only just met.

When Azad's cake came, Amarna wanted to try some of it out, so he took a bit and tried aiming for her mouth, but missed, leaving a chocolate streak on her nose. She retaliated by smoushing some cake on his forehead, and they had a bit of a miniature food fight before they ended up laughing their asses off.

The cake itself – you could say it was just some stacked fudge, but for Azad.. it was the sweetest, most fulfilling thing he'd ever tasted.

By then, Azad's phone was ringing with notifications, and when he checked, his mum was upset about how he'd not shown up to the first rehersal. It was ten minutes past the actual event time, and they both panicked, scrambled off the table, the tablecloth slipping down ("Sorry!" Amarna said, while giggling out the exit with Azad).

They rushed back to the church. It was a far different place than the calm emptiness which had welcomed the two. Everywhere, dancers of various sorts and kinds, who filled the foyer with lively chatter.

The dancers who dressed all in black. Who had glitter in their eyebrows. Who puffed their chests out beneath their shirts.

In the midst of it all, Azad found Amarna wrapping her fingers between his, as a source of comfort.

The troupe leader - she hushed everyone to quiet. A tall, finely built Latino woman. "For those who are new, my name is Tania. I lead the troupe; not the finest troupe in the world, nor the most extravagant – but if you dance sincerely for me, out of your heart, you will be the most soulful, passionate group of dancers I'll have the honour of working with."

The one-on-one interviews. Tania would ask a personal question; what you care about, what you feel, and your dancing experience. It was all conducted in a kindergarten room.

Amarna was open to the questions, while Azad was waiting in line, waiting for this thing to happen so he could get to the dancing bit. Some of the girls he saw were very eye-catching, he barely bothered to hide his interest as he made wink-winks when their eyes caught his, and the visceral rush he felt when he saw their asses. Life had only just begun.

The minutes passed by, and he never wondered what lay behind that door, with its orange and green diamond-like patterns on the stained glass, or the even blurred outlines of Amarna, gesturing and expressive to a still Tania.

Then Amarna came out, going "Phew!" like she had finished an exam, and Azad, grinning, went into the room she was in.

The room, with shelves of Christian-themed picture books and wooden figures of Christ hanging on the walls, almost leering. The door shut behind Azad without warning, muffling the commotion.

He was almost alone. But he could smell her sweet, humid scent.

Azad saw Tania, laying on a table, glancing back at him with a seductive allure. She has a video camera set up, which would record him sitting in a chair against a white backdrop.

"Sit, Azad," she went. "Relax. Make yourself feel comfortable.."

She looked like a flamenco dancer, and her presence projected spiciness into an otherwise ordinary schoolroom. Azad was thrown off by this, but a part of him fell into the feeling, saw the way her dress contoured her thighs. Oh god, she's so pretty.. I could just take her right here and now, have her moaning..

He went and sat on the leather chair, feeling a blush of warmth emerge from his body. Tania stood up, and she went to the camera and he could feel the hairs on his neck tingle from her gaze.

"Tell me, Azad.. what kind of music do you love?"

"What music do I like..? Um, I like all sorts of songs. Rap, lo-fi, jazz.."

But Tania was probing for what really excited Azad. "So you've diverse tastes. And I imagine, you do some dancing at home?"

"No, I just enjoy the music.. when I'm chillin' on my bed, when I feel bored and want to pass the time. It's good for the mind."

"But you never tried dancing to it?"

"Well, maybe a few times," Azad said. He was recollecting when he was with Melina - she was idly listening to Azad's music collection, and an idea had popped in her head. So she looked up a song on YouTube. It was something from Garbage, it had some moans in the beginning, and she danced to it in front of Azad. This was the coquettish side of Melina, and the way she moved her hands over her own body, it got Azad aroused. He saw her dance like this for a bit, and then he joined in, their bodies grinding, her mouth, her red lipstick – her breath quivering over his face, and Azad feeling her total warmth emenating..

"I danced with my ex in my room," Azad said.

Yes. When Azad thought of 'dancing,' he first imagined the simple dances he had been taught in school, the one-two step, and so on. Those were just movements by numbers. But he was starting to come to a realization about what Tania envisioned.

Dancing wasn't rote memorization or just simply holding the girl's shoulder and hips. It was the embodiment of emotion through movement, through pure bodily expression. Singers sing, illustrators draw, writers write and dancers do dance.

"I danced with Melina," Azad said, "and I saw her wildness, and I was enthralled and felt so glad in the world that she was by my side." He felt a pang of sadness emerge in his voice, as the fact that Melina wasn't there emerged in his mind again.

"You loved her."

".. I still love her."

"You loved, and that was a good thing you've had in life – even if it may have ended badly. What you remember the most tend to be the moments you've shared with people, near to your heart.

"And with me, you'll have the chance to find more of those moments. To make yourself known to the world. To feel alive." When Tania peeked out from the camera, he saw in her eyes she meant every word.

/

Over the days, Azad grew to know every dancer, if not by name, then by their faces and the style of expression they went by. He was becoming part of the line of beautiful treats you'd see in the bakershop window, appetizing to the eyes and delectable in your hands. He found it surprisingly fun, to the point where he'd look forward to the next rehersal, the next practice at the church. And by the end of every night, he'd come home - exhausted in a good way.

His heart though.. was still set upon her. Amarna.

The best moments were when he'd have the chance to dance with her, on the floor – experimenting with whichever moves that just felt right to do. Amarna had a natural talent with showcasing grace; her body was catlike, as if you could toss her fifty feet in the air and she'd always land, feet first.

Azad though, had more stocky-like movements, like a martial artist with his harsh punches and kicks. Hit him, and he'll hit you back harder.

In actuality, it was initially awkward for the two of them to work it out dancing, since Azad would want to do sudden movements, hip swinging, arms striking outward, which left bruises on Amarna. They got along in breaks, talking it out, and laughing about all the mistakes they shared.

The idea was duos-dancing to begin for newcomers, as one partner could bounce their dance ideas off their partner, and vice versa – an easy way to spark one's creativity. The more experienced dancers are busy preparing for a unified dance fiesta for an upcoming show.

Azad saw how the other newcomer dancers seemed to have a natural synergy. One was doing a cartwheel to have her legs caught by her partner.

Another (who was a Ukrainian contortionist) had spread his joints, such that he was a Looney Tunes cartoon character doing ballet.

What was Azad going to do? He had very little dance experience, and this whole number he's putting together with Amarna didn't have any coherent theme or that spark to it. He was going to let Amarna down, and make himself look like a total fool in front of everyone!

So he sought advice from one of the experienced dancers, a French dude who resembled Freddie Mercury.

"Oh, let me see how you two dance together," Freddie said.

In a quiet, low-key lit room where there were mirrors (all over) to reflect the participants, Freddie seemed nonchalant, a lack of reaction to Azad trying to prop Amarna up on his knee. Azad felt his heart sink with each passing second.

"Ok ok," Freddie Mercury went. "It's no wonder why you two don't seem to get along," and he went and took Amarna off Azad, easily lifting her (his hairy chest bulging with muscles). "You don't treat this delicate woman with respect."

A pang of jealousy swelled within Azad, as he watched Freddie handle Amarna with his supernatural ecstasy.

Amarna, in this guy's hands, she was transforming into a Flemenco star, as a big smile came from her face, her cheeks flushed, and as if in slow motion, her movements, the way her arms seem to catch Freddie's abdomen – it made Azad so deeply inadequate, and for a second, he thought he would lose Amarna to the other guys in the troupe, for in the end, what is he if not some lanky high school Kurd?

"Amarna's got the talent," Freddie was going on, as he seemed to clutch her by the breasts, "and you, you need to grow yourself a spine, you have as much chemistry with Amarna as helium."

"Ok, fu-thank you very much," Azad went. ".. for the 'advice.'"

Freddie chuckled.

/

Azad came out of the church, feeling for the first time so disappointed in himself. He let out a bit of steam, kicking a garbage can down and spilling its contents on the sidewalk. The night seemed to come onto him as he went away from the church's lights.. he felt too down to even pull up his phone and just chill his ears to relaxin' lo-fi..

"Azad- wait up, por favor!" he heard. Amarna's voice piqued him out of his lowly stupour. He turned around. As if stepping out of his dreams, she was there, lit by the church, a genuine saint sent for him in distress. "Azad, I'm sorry – that guy, he smelled like a fucking ashtray!"

It was her words that raised Azad's spirits, and her embrace – she went over and hugged him, and he felt once again that rush of connection he felt with her in the Dairy Queen, in the church, because she cared for him, she loved him back.

"I saw the way he made you look beautiful in his arms," Azad said. "I was jealous. I wish I'm able to do the same with you.. somehow, Amarna.."

Then, before he knew it, he buried his face in her neck as they held each other in the summer night. Although Amarna was sweaty (they both were) – she was so sweet, like orchids.

"You have the spirit," Amarna said, like whispering in his ear. "I know you do, Azad. Forget what that guy said. We just have to find a way for us to avoid bruising each other.. maybe, if we got to know each other on a better level?"

When he leaned back from Amarna, he found her smile – it was reassuring. Azad gazed upon her face, upclose, even with the little wrinkles he found around her eyes that showed she wasn't a teenager like him. The way her auburn hair gently wavered upon her neck and shoulders. Her eyes accepting of how he was, and believing in the person he could become. This was a different woman than that fiery, volatile Melina. Not better.. but like a different song from another album, enticing Azad with its own little beauty.

How else did Azad know to react – he went in, and shared a kiss with her. A first-timer's kiss. And when he opened his eyes, realizing what he'd done, he found Amarna wanting more – she pushed her tongue through, and he was shocked; a jolt of his sensation, as he'd never felt a girl do this with him ever.

The two of them didn't know what to say, but already they knew, their hearts were intertwined, irrevocably.